In relationships there are three elements. First, there is relational energy, determining the type of relationship people have. In the second place, there is love (often related to the type of relational energy) and thirdly, there is the form that the relationship takes, the interaction-pattern.

Energy between the people involved plays an important part in relationships. As far as man-woman relationships are concerned, it is essential that the energy between the two partners is indeed on a man-woman level right from the start. Either this energy on man-woman level is there right at the first second when the couple meets, or it will never be there at all. For in this first second the relational energy is determined. There is hardly any change in the energy of a relationship after the first meeting. This is why it is important to recognise and determine the type of energy that occurs on the first second that a couple meets. Sometimes there are misunderstandings caused by wishful thinking, infatuation, or other factors that keep us from recognising and determining the relational energy. Even, for instance, if the relational energy appears to be on the level of a partner-relationship for life (or wishes it to be) the actual energy may be different from the one belonging to a partner-relationship. It may well have been that, in the first second, there was an energy pattern on the level of friendship, or brother-sister, father-daughter, mother-son, lovers or soul mates or otherwise. If we observe carefully, we can recognise the different types of relational energy, both in our own relationships and in those of others.

Whenever I ask my patients what energy-level their relationship has, they usually know perfectly well the answer. It is also remarkable that they knew right from the start when they met. People often try to change the initial energy-level.

They come to me in my practice and ask for therapy in order to change, for instance, their brother-sister relational energy into a man-woman relational energy. Even if they call it differently, as generally happens. They have problems in their relationship because the relational energy does not meet the needs of a man-woman relationship. On an unconscious level, people feel that 'something is wrong'. It is impossible for any therapist to change a relational energy, because relational energies simply cannot be changed. In relationships many problems can be solved by recognising and accepting the original relational energy. After having accepted the existing relational energy, some people may stay together (as friends for life, for instance), others may break up.

In every relational energy there are possibilities and impossibilities. A relationship based on friendship, for instance, has different characteristics than a relationship as partners in life (man-woman). To recognise this is to acquire a great understanding of the relationship and the causes of the problems.

I can help people shape their relationship. Because also the shape a relationship has may cause problems. Even if the relational energy is pure, the couple may disagree about the contents of the relationship or  have problems with the way the other partner sees the relationship. There may be, for instance, a problem about the contents of the relationship due to the fact that the man, for lack of information, does not know how to shape the contents of the relationship, together with his female partner. Lovingness, tolerance, bonding to each other and the world around, feeling comfortable together, being positive, being able to solve problems, being supportive to each other, are all important starting-points whenever I start working with people on their relationship.

In a relationship the man is ultimately responsible for the progress of the relationship, offering the woman a sense of security. Many relationships fail because the man assumes that his wife/partner can create her own security, because she is an independent person. Indeed, she is. However, every woman wants the man to give her a sense of security. By finding out what a woman needs, the man can provide security in his actions.  A man is often unaware of his actions and their effect on his wife. Men often think that their wives' reactions have nothing to do with what they do. When a woman comes to me for counselling for her relational problems, it is often required that her husband also participates in the therapy. I know from experience that relational problems are usually caused by men. This is due to the fact that men usually do not give enough direction to the shaping of the relationship and let their wives sort things out for themselves. It also happens that men ignore their wives' wise advice. Some women find it difficult to leave the direction of the relationship to the man and prefer to be in charge themselves. This may cause problems because being in charge and getting security do not go together well.

Whenever there are relational problems I try to make clear what is going on. With the help of specialized kinesiology and talks (NLP) based on the above issues, there is usually a solution to be found for all problems. No matter what problems. Even having to end a relationship may be a solution just as good as continuing a relationship.

It occurs frequently that the upbringing in early childhood and also the role model of the own parents are important factors in relational problems. Also the decisions the parents took about continuing their own relationship, may have a negative role model function.

Cultural differences may cause problems because, from a viewpoint of their own cultural background, people may have totally different ideas about shaping the relationship.

Relationships are interesting energy-constructions.